Warnings: angst, sap, fluff, 1+2
Disclaimer: If I owned the characters I'm playing with, I wouldn't be working for $6.50 and hour at a small establishment.
The Butterflies Are Passive
by Izora Jade
The butterflies are passive/aggressive
And put their problems on the shelf
But they're beautiful
And he'll realize the only thing that's real
Are the kids that kid themselves and the demise
Of the beautiful. What is beautiful.
-- Ben Kweller (Sha Sha)
Slowly Duo touched the glass of the windows of the ship they were trapped in for today.
Today. Was it day, or was it night? If you didn't look at your watch, you really couldn't tell. Looking outside, all you saw was blackness. Time was a fallacy; a condition made up by the human mind.
And yet time seemed so damn long.
He sniffled a little. Sometimes he wished that time would just end. What was he really living for? To protect others? Well, probably, but who? And why? He was living for nameless faces, people he didn't even know. People who thought that he was terrible, evil even. People that couldn't even appreciate his efforts.
Wufei he didn't even know. Trowa was a nice person, but he didn't really know him either. Quatre was also a good friend, but was he really enough to live for? Heero....
Heero was Heero. That was that.
What would he do about Heero?
"I'm so fucking ugly...." he muttered as he spread his hand out to cover his reflection, ashamed. He was sure that Heero would want to be with him more if he was a woman.
Duo even went so far as to tell him his feelings.
All he wanted was someone to lean on. All he wanted was someone to relate to. He wanted someone to care and someone that could understand his situation.
Couldn't Heero understand his situation?
Couldn't Heero love him?
No one could love him. Even if they did, they would probably just end up dying anyway. Just like everyone who had ever loved him....
He was a damn jinx. He truly was the God of Death. Shinigami. Anyone his hand touched was sure to die.
Heero was right when he turned him away.
Yet, he never turned him away.
He just.... He just never answered.
Why couldn't Duo get a straight answer!
He should've known anyway. Heero wasn't so low as to be such a pathetic creature as he was. Heero would grow to be the kind of man that needed a nice, sweet wife to keep him a warm house.
"No one could want something as ugly as me...."
Heero hid in the shadows and watched the other boy.
"No one could want something as ugly as me...." he muttered under his breath and Heero yearned to go to him, but he just couldn't understand why. Why did he have such a strong compulsion to comfort his friend? Was it simply because Duo was his friend? The situation baffled him.
Duo was such a bright light. He was always joking and kidding around, and still, on the other hand you knew that he was serious.
He was beautiful. Why couldn't he see it? Just looking at his reflection should be able to scream back at him such an obvious fact.
Yet what was beauty?
Beauty. A noun. Plural: beauties. A pleasing quality associated with harmony of form or color, excellence of craftsmanship, truthfulness, originality, or other, often unspecificable property. Appearance or sound that arouses a strong, contemplative delight; loveliness. A person or thing that arouses such delight; especially, a woman widely regarded as beautiful. A part, characteristic, or attribute that arouses such delight; a specific excellence or grace. The feature that is most effective, gratifying, or telling. Informally, an outstanding or conspicuous example. Beautify: to make beautiful. Beautiful: having beauty in any of its forms.
Well, that didn't help much. Yes, Duo did arouse such delight in him. He thought, anyway.
Now he was confused. Wouldn't that be considered wrong? Duo seemed to think so, since he seemed so scared in confessing his love, but what was love, really?
Love. A noun. An intense affectionate concern for another person. An intense sexual desire for another person. A beloved person. Often used as a term of endearment. A strong fondness or enthusiasm for something. Eros or Cupid, the god of love in classical mythology. God's benevolence and mercy toward man. Man's devotion to or adoration of God. The benevolence, kindness, or brotherhood that man should rightfully feel toward others. God. A zero score in tennis. To become enamored of or sexually attracted to someone. As a favor; out of fondness; without payment. There were several other associated words such as: love feast, love affair, love seat, love knot, lovebird, love sick, loving cup, lovelock.
But what did that mean?
He was so bad with emotions. He was taught to live by his emotions but he was never taught how to feel.
The whole damn thing was so confusing!
He felt that if he asked Duo, Duo might know, but how would he ask him?
"Dammit," he muttered, turning his face away. He didn't want to turn away....
We once walked out on the beach
And once I almost touched your hand
Oh, how I dreamed to finally say such things
Then only to pretend
-- Jimmy Eat World (Bleed American)
I don't mind being lonely once in a while
But not today
-- Jump Little Children (Magazine)
Slowly Duo kicked his feet through the sand.
A moment of peace. A moment alone.
He looked over his shoulder at Heero, walking a few feet behind him.
He wished he were closer. He wished he could lay his head on his shoulder. He wished that Heero would wrap his arms around him and tell him that it would be okay and protect him from the gentle breeze that was ruffling his hair and sending shivers down his body.
But was it just the breeze that made him shiver?
He dropped to his knees and stared at the ocean. Heero still stood a few feet back, but what if...he didn't?
Heero could so easily walk up to him right now....
Duo closed his eyes and let the breeze whisper through his bangs.
Heero walked over to him, looking down at him.
Duo stared up into his beautiful eyes. They were the same color of the ocean.... The same beautiful, endless, mysterious blue....
His eyes must've glazed over in tears as Heero called his name once more.
"Oh, how I love you Heero.... Please, just...just sit here for a minute...." he whispered, feeling the fool as his eyes filled with unshed tears.
"Duo?" Heero asked again. "What did you say?"
Suddenly Duo looked as though he snapped out of deep thought.
"I...I said something?"
Heero nodded. The moonlight played so softly over Duo's face and it caught so delicately in his hair.... Heero was overwhelmed with the urge to touch him. His lips looked so...soft....
He felt like he was losing his mind! He just wanted to touch Duo! He just wanted to touch him!
His heart started pounding in his chest. There were so many thoughts all fighting for attention in his head that he didn't even know which one to attempt to look at first.
Would it really be wrong just to...just to touch him? Would it...? It would make him feel a lot better. He didn't know how it would make him feel better or how he knew it would make him feel better, but he just had this strong intuition....
Slowly he let his hand move....
No, he drew it back and turned abruptly to stare at the tide.
Was Duo hurt?
He couldn't see.
But he couldn't see more than just if Duo was hurt or not.
He couldn't see through the pitch black to make his way down the path in front of him.
Maybe you'll kill yourself before you get a turn
Maybe I'll fall in love and never learn
Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last
Before you see the black tangled heart fall for you
-- Silver Chair (Neon Ballroom)
Duo could have sworn Heero almost touched him. Was he out of his mind?
Duo decided he had to be losing it. Why would Heero give a damn? Why did Heero even follow him out on the beach? To try to do something 'human'?
He was so cold.... He hardly said anything to him, and less after he admitted his feelings. How did Heero think that made him feel? Terrible! It made him feel so disgusting. He had a hard enough time coping with it himself and then to be disgustingly rejected...?
Sometimes he wished he could return the favor, but he knew he could never do something that mean to Heero. One because he had morals, and two because Heero wouldn't understand.
Heero couldn't understand love....
He just had to face that fact. No matter how much it hurt.
Sometimes he could swear that Heero looked at him with longing or hurt, but how the fuck could he do that?
Duo could feel the tears on his face, but he didn't know what to do.
He brushed them off, but they just fell faster.
Finally he stopped even trying. He just let them fall in the dark, sniffling.
Why did things have to be so difficult?
Why did he have to grow so attached?
Heero realized that Duo was crying.
Tears. Sadness. Pain?
Sad. An adjective. Low in spirit; dejected; sorrowful; unhappy. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness. Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing. Deplorable. Dark-hued; somber. Synonyms: melancholy, depressed, dejected, downcast, sorrowful, doleful, desolate, miserable, and wretched.
Wretched was a terrible word. It was and adjective that meant living in degradation and misery.
Pain. Noun. An unpleasant sensation, occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder. Suffering or distress.
None of that sounded good.
He didn't want things to be bad for Duo or for anyone. This he was positive of. Completely positive of.
So he should try to help Duo?
For some reason his body and mind jumped at the thought. He would get to touch him!
He just told himself to quit it, to stop being so strong and stubborn, and slowly he bent down next to Duo and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.
Once he did it, he knew immediately that he did the right thing. It just felt so natural....
He could feel Duo's shock at this action, though.
He didn't care, he was happy. For one moment, he was happy.
He knew that he was happy.
He wanted this moment.
Because it was the first time that he could tell, truly tell, that he was happy.
If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories
I believe that I could be the one you're needing
And I'm only lonely on the inside
Didn't mean to take away your dreams
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes, in your deepest thoughts,
Do you see me?
-- Hootie and the Blowfish (Musical Chairs)
"Heero...." he breathed, almost lost in the breeze.
He was so shocked, so stunned, and so unbelievably happy, he thought he was just making it up, a beautiful dream.
Heero didn't answer, he just scooted closer.
"Heero," Duo began to beg. "Please Heero, please," he pleaded. "Just tell me I'm not dreaming...."
His words faded off from their seriousness in the end. How could he ask such a thing and ruin such a beautiful dream? What if he scared Heero?
Heero turned to look at him and he met his eyes.
Duo saw something there that made his blood run cold.
Want. He saw want. Longing. Lust?
He saw something he might even mistake as...caring.
"Do I... seem fake?" he asked very softly, after a very long period of time. It may have only been five minutes, but to the pair, it felt like five hours before he mustered up the courage to speak.
Duo just started to cry.
Heero watched as tears spilled down Duo's porcelain cheeks.
Was this bad? He said something wrong.
What should he do?
He didn't want to say something wrong. He wanted Duo to be happy with him.
His mind was screaming at him, but he didn't know what to do.
Well, the most obvious thing was to do what made him happy in the first place and hold Duo even closer.
So, following his instinct, he clasped Duo tighter, holding him in a gentle embrace.
But Duo just cried harder!
Heero immediately cursed himself. If he were smart, he would have realized that what made him happy made Duo cry. So in an overwhelming clash of emotions and good judgment, he slowly moved away from Duo.
Duo looked up at him, wiping his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Heero spoke softly, looking back out toward the sea. The pain of saying those words affected him greatly. He didn't want to say them because he wasn't sorry! "I shouldn't have touched you."
"No, Heero!" Duo replied, his voice stinging Heero's ears as he reached out for Heero's shirt, clutching it in his fist. "Please...."
I was told to toe the line
Instead I kissed the boys and made them cry
And still you think it's funny
I was late well God told me to wait
And in the end when hearts were handed out
Some of us missed out
-- Merril Bainbridge (Between the Days)
Duo stood and watched Heero sitting at his laptop. How many days went by without any words between the two? Four days? Five? They were in space once more, unfortunately. Space was always so cold.... He didn't like to be cold.... It was depressing.
He figured that Heero knew he was there. If his reflection wasn't shining in the screen of the computer, then his super senses must've told him that Duo was there.
He wanted.... He just wanted some acknowledgement! Anything would be nice. Closure, opening, plain old objectivity would be a blessing. He wished Heero would just look at him....
He sighed and leaned against the wall.
Heero moved to the bed and laid down on it. He actually, to Duo's surprise, looked like he was trying to become comfortable. Suddenly, Duo turned and stared a little harder at the dark form of the perfect solider, whose body was barely visible through the crack in the door.
Duo was standing outside his door, and he knew it.
He didn't have the strength to face the other boy. Not today, or probably ever.
He hurt Duo, so why was Duo still coming around?
Did Duo care about him at all? And if he did, what good would that do? Heero couldn't do a damn thing. He was pathetic. He didn't know how to feel like normal humans. Would Duo be patient and want to teach him?
That's all he really wanted.
Why was he crying? He never cried.... Physical pain was so much better than this. Why did he even want to feel when it hurt this badly?
All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say....
Nothing's so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
I so to free the soul
But we wouldn't be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything
-- Toad the Wet Sprocket (Fear)
Trying not to think, Duo stepped into the room. His heart was pounding as he slowly shut the door and walked over to the bed. Yes, Heero was indeed crying.
His mind screamed at him to say something, anything! He was so close and he couldn't speak!
Finally, he just sat down and very hesitantly rested his hand in Heero's hair.
"It hurts so much to feel," Heero muttered out and Duo could hardly believe it.
Heero always knew what to say when he had to say something.
"Heero," Duo breathed, stroking his soft hair in the dark. "I know. But sometimes it can feel so good...."
Heero sniffled and shifted to look up at Duo. "I feel pathetic...."
If Duo thought that his heart was pounding before, it was trying to escape his chest now.
Heero was telling him these things so freely. This was what he wanted when he said he wanted something.
Heero didn't continue his sentence.
Duo didn't say anything.
How could he?
He just stroked Heero's hair.
Maybe being there would be enough....
How could Heero continue?
What if that wasn't what Duo wanted?
Obviously Duo cared for him, but what if only as a friend? And what was 'friend' anyway? Heero didn't know the bounds of friends and more and less and it was all so confusing.
He felt so uneasy.
This wasn't his area of expertise....
"Would you...teach me how to feel good?" he finally whispered and he felt Duo's entire body tense as he stopped stroking his hair.
Fuck. He said something wrong. He knew it.
Duo's voice sounded scared and distant.
Heero could have kicked himself as he rolled out of Duo's reach.
There was a long few minutes of terrible unbearable silence before Duo finally continued.
"Did you...did you mean that?"
Heero nodded his head.
Then he felt Duo shift and lay down next to him, snuggling into his back.
"I would...I would like to, Heero, if you'll let me...."
Heero turned over and faced Duo once more, honesty shinning through the dark.
Maybe.... Maybe all feeling wouldn't be bad. He liked the feel of the look he got from Duo now.
Maybe this was a start.
Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just trying to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky and
As he asked if I would come along
I started to realize that everyday he finds just what he's looking for
And like a shooting star he shines, and he said
Take my hand, love while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand
And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Though they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words could heal and
As I looked up into those eyes, his vision borrows mine
And I know he's no stranger
For a feel I've held him for all of time, and he said
Please come with me, see what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee, can't you see....
-- Vannessa Carlton (Be Not Nobody)