WARNINGS: 1x2x1, shonen ai, PG
The Perfect Soldier
I suddenly felt very, very lonely standing there on the balcony, obviously, alone. It was cold but I stood outside in a t-shirt. I was too busy thinking to pay head to the chill. Being considered the Perfect Soldier, I was thinking and feeling things that I was not 'programmed' to. My training did not involve these things and for a soldier trained practically from birth I had far too many unanswerable questions.
The Perfect Soldier. Sure. I was not the Perfect Soldier. I am not the Perfect Soldier. The Perfect Soldier would not have any compromising feelings, and I had them in abundance. These emotions, I was not even sure what they were. They were so strange to me. There were the normal feelings like caring and loyalty, concern and friendship, but for some reason there was this other feeling that I could not identify. This much stronger feeling. It was deeper than concern and much deeper than friendship. I guess some would consider it love, but I am not at all familiar with that feeling, having it or receiving it.
But Duo, he has shown me so many things that I was not frequent with before; if he had shown me love I probably would not have recognized it.
Then again, maybe I would. There was this . . . bond between us, especially in light of recent events. I guess we balanced each other. Careless and vigilant. Boisterous and stoic. Perfect weights to even the scale. That was the bond I suppose, the fact that we just fit together, creating equilibrium for the others' extremes.
I was watching him then, standing on that balcony. He was far below me, strolling along the beach. He also ignored the cold -- walking along the water's edge in bare feet, a pair of jeans and a thin, white t-shirt. His hair was not confined to its usual braid, but flowing and dancing on the wind. The simpleness of the scene -- his long waves of auburn and calm posture were, for lack of a better word, beautiful.
There is something about him, something that I envied so much it hurt. I guess the Perfect Soldier could feel envy. Duo was so lighthearted and honest, so innocent and attractive. At the opposite end of the scale, I was foremost a hypocrite. I told others to live by and act on their emotions, yet I did not practice such wisdom. I could not even identify the feelings I had, let alone act on them. Duo was so aware if his feelings, so blithe and wondrous. I did not disserve him.
This feeling, the knowing that I was so na´ve was worst of all.
I found myself not even watching him anymore. I was oblivious to whatever Duo was actually doing. I was just staring blankly at him, my mind too involved in its own affairs. What had happened?
We had been staying together for a while, but not as anything romantic. But somehow -- no, I knew exactly how -- last night was different. As usual, I had had one of my nightmares. Again that young girl and her golden puppy flashed in front of me before being eaten by the flames of a fire that, somehow, I knew I had started. In my restlessness, Duo had come into my room and into my bed with me, wrapping me in his arms. Contented is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt when I was brought into his embrace. I woke up and he just smiled at me, like it was no big deal. We curled up together and slept through the night like that, in silent agreement about it all. My nightmare did not return.
Some Perfect Soldier.
There were far to many questions that I did not know the answers to. What did all of this mean? I could have been making something out of nothing, but a part of me wanted it so badly to be something.
This part of me was one that I had never revealed to anyone. My own secret. This part of me was consumed by those feelings that the rest of me was so confused about. This was the side of me that felt more than just friendship towards Duo. This was the side that knew that I loved Duo. It was just that the rest of me was so scared to face that.
Why? Another question I did not have an answer to.
Like I said, there was something about him. He brings this bliss into my life. Joy. Simply put -- fun. It's just how he is; he tells his feelings like its everyone's business. He just smiles, like it's going to change the world if he does. And it does change the world -- my world. I adored him and loathed him for it. Like I said, I was jealous of him. If I could be carefree and careless for one day . . .
But it just seemed impossible for me to change, to have more fun. The Perfect Soldier would not let me. But Duo just had this character about himself. One that had no cares, no problems, no concerns. Although I knew there was more to him then that, he did not let his depression take control of his life, similar to how I had. I was not depressed, but I was so critical of everything. I knew that unless I spent the rest of my life like this, with Duo and no war; that I could not possibly enjoy anything that life had to offer.
I snapped out of it, I really had to choice but to be pulled back to reality. Looking down, I realized that he had called me.
"You ganna stare at me all day," he shouted, "or you ganna come down here?"
The question did not surprise me, especially the way he worded it. I nodded and left the balcony, entering the apartment to head outside. I passed the living room and realized the television was still on. Ignoring the exasperating reporter's tale of a sniper in the capital, I switched it off. I did not care today. As I headed to the door, I grabbed a light blanket that was thrown over a nearby chair. He'd get a cold walking down there in this weather all day.
As I approached him, he smiled that same smile from the night before. God, I loved that smile.
Only a few feet from him, I threw the blanket over his shoulders. To my astonishment, he did not protest, but cuddled it to him. He then turned and wrapped himself, and the blanket, around me. My heart was about to explode inside my chest as I hugged him back. Neither of us had to say anything for us to know how the other felt. I nuzzled my chin into his hair as he hid his face in my chest. I could have died right then.
"I'm tired of walking . . . "I heard him whisper.
Hesitantly, I let him pull away and turn to the horizon. I watched as he sunk to the ground, sitting comfortably in the sand with his flowing locks surrounding him like the blanket was. I knelt down behind him and wrapped my arms around his neck. We sat there, gazing at where the ocean melted with the sky. With my hands now resting on his shoulders, I thanked every Holy Spirit for the boy that sat in front of me.
The Perfect Soldier or not, I realized that he didn't see me as one. Not even as a friend. But more. He felt the same way I did, and that was enough for the Perfect Soldier to rest, if even just for now.