beta written by Dena

Searching
by SkyLark

When the orders had been given and everyone knew their tasks, we left the room quietly and went our separate ways. Making my way towards my office, I looked over the file given to each of us. Memorizing the photos of the layout of the Colony that was housing a large band of terrorists we finally managed to locate after months of searching. Focusing my attention on that, I paid no mind to the other Preventers standing and walking in the hall around me.

Since the end of the Mariemaya movement, I managed to disappear for a time, trying to make sense of a life that never really was my own. Since a child, my life was controlled and molded by others so I could be used for their own purposes. Finding myself with the chance to start over with no such influence, it was a struggle to come to the understanding of my own needs. Even becoming comfortable with the realization that I was more than a weapon as opposed to a living, breathing person was, to say the least, a challenge.

Joining the Preventers was the only thing that seemed to make the most sense when it came to what I should do with myself. Regardless of the fact that I could easily have chosen another career, I needed to do something that was familiar... comfortable. I had fought to obtain the peace that was now in existence. If someone wished to work against that, I was not about to sit in silence, hoping to stay hidden away to keep from having to recall my past.

While I had yet to get over my training and what I had been through during the wars, it only seemed right to take those experiences and put them to use to help a worthwhile cause. At the end of each day, I would have the satisfaction knowing that I made at least one good decision by enlisting with the organization.

Every new recruit that I train tends to express how he or she is searching for his or her own fulfillment in life. That fulfillment may come from happiness, love, a peace within themselves, or all these and more combined depending on the person hoping to find it. As far as finding my own fulfillment, these things are so foreign to me, that I honestly would not know where to begin searching for them. If there is that one thing out there that would sense in this chaotic life, I have come to the realization that I am a long was off from finding it.

Unlocking the door to my office and stepping inside, I lowered the file in my hand onto my desk as a knock from the doorway caught my attention. His braid swinging behind him, Duo leaned in the doorframe as he smiled when our eyes met, "They kept you all long enough. I was afraid that I would have to go to the cafeteria alone for lunch today."

Looking to my watch, I noted that the meeting had gone longer than planned. Gazing up at him again, I replied, "I guess I could use a break after that." His smile grew as he nodded and waited for me to step from the room before walking beside me.

Sitting at out usual table in the cafeteria, we began to eat in silence while the rest of the filled room was alive with different discussions. It was rare then Duo would stay quiet during out lunch, but I noticed that it usually happened when one of us was to be sent on another mission. He sipped from his soda before picking up his own sandwich and asking, "So when are you guys being deployed?"

Without looking up from the bowl of soup before me, I shrugged, "As early as tonight, at the latest tomorrow afternoon." Peering up though my bangs, my voice remained flat as I explained, "We can't afford to wait any longer than that."

A small frown fell on Duo's face as he lowered his head and stated, "Well, just watch your ass out there. Some of the bastards we're up against are getting pretty damn nasty."

Grunting, I gave a firm nod before tacking another spoonful of soup. Gazing around the room filled with people talking and others laughing, I couldn't help but find myself recalling the dread in Duo's voice earlier when he thought he would have to be here alone. It finally hit me that there had not been one lunch break yet when he would come down to the cafeteria with my being there.

Turning back to face him, I ask, "Why is it that you always wait for me to join you during lunch? You're not exactly a shy person and I'm sure that you could easily find a group of people other than just myself to talk to."

At that, Duo looked around the room, frowning deeply with a lost look in his eyes that was unfamiliar for him. Sighing softly, he looked back at me with a sad smile as he shrugged, "In here, people tend to talk about their lives outside of the office. You know... family, spouses, everyday things." His smile faded as he lowered his head and said quietly, "My life is anything but normal... How could I try to act any differently after everything we've been through?"

He wouldn't look up as he took another bite of his sandwich while I watched him silently. Of all the other pilots, I never would have thought that Duo Maxwell would have a hard time welcoming any real normalcy in his life. Of any of the other pilots, I was certain that he would want nothing more than to put aside the past and move on.

I was not so surprised when Trowa chose the circus life over the Preventers. The same went with Quatre's wish to help rebuild the Colonies in greatest need following the wars with his heir of wealth and influence. Even Wufei, a Preventer himself, would never volunteer for any missions unless they were of the gravest importance.

Sitting at that cafeteria table, staring blankly as I thought of my comrades and how they had attempted to move on with their lives, I finally realized that I wasn't the only one affected by the wars after all... Silently, I wondered how I had so blind to that.

The mission had been a success and my team was able to return nearly a week before originally scheduled. Silently dreading the return to the Earth, I worked to think of making a good excuse that would get me out of having to accept Lady Une's invitation to her annual New Year's Eve party the next night.

Every December, she would send invitations to the large, semi-formal affair to all the Preventers. Held at her grand estate, Lady Une's gala was the talk of every discussion as the date drew near. I do have to admit that she always managed to outdo herself each year in making a memorable night for all of us. There was no limit to Une's wish to make us all feel appreciated for all of our hard work.

Still, there would always be a new recruit or two at that party that would come up to me and ask why I did not show up with Relena Peacecraft. While I can understand that there would be an assumption that she and I are more than friends with all of the publicity from the war, the notion could not be further from the truth.

Thankfully, Relena had matured following the wars and her infatuation with me had dwindled to a forgotten memory. Devoted to her own work, she is happy in her own mission in life and the role she plays in the peace that has managed to survive for nearly three years now. Her search for her own meaning and fulfillment in life led her to the understanding that it was to never be found through me, I am relieved to say, she finally came to understand.

Knowing that I would be unable to fathom a plausible excuse to why I could not make the party, I grudgingly accepted the inevitable and planned on making an appearance. Coming to that conclusion, I decided to try and make the best of an uncomfortable situation.

When I arrived at Lady Une's estate at the start of the gala, I was greeted with warm smiles from some of the Preventers that stood outside the main doors. Nodding to them, I made my way inside and through the elaborate hallway towards the ballroom.

On the way, I made quick conversation with some of the other guests that I recognized. As always, everyone that I came across had a date on their arm and a significant other to share the evening with. And I was not unaware of the sidelong glances of surprise that I arrived once again alone.

The ballroom was decorated tastefully with holiday lights and decorations as the guests inside danced to the lively music filling the air as I stepped inside. Making my way to the opposite side of the room, I walked towards the long tables displaying the refreshments.

As I poured some punch into one of the glasses waiting by the large bowl, I heard a voice behind me announce, "Heero Yuy! Is Relena Peacecraft here with you, too!?"

Smirking as I looked over my shoulder, I found Duo smiling chuckled deeply in amusement. I shook my head and snorted, "Baka. All this time, and here I managed to walk across the room without hearing that question."

With a laugh, the braided young man walked towards me, clasping my extended hand and shaking it firmly. "Good to have you back in one piece, man," he grinned. "I hope you took out a few targets out for me while you were out there."

Nodding in response, I took a sip of punch before commenting, "It'll be a while before that band will be able to rebuild what they lost." Looking out to the dance floor, I added, "I flew with a few of the new pilots you trained. You would have been proud of them." I didn't have to look back at Duo to know that his smile was lighting his face.

"So you were unable to come up with a reasonable excuse to miss this thing once again, ne?" Duo chuckled to change the subject. I honestly couldn't blame him for wanting to think of something other than anything involving fighting, it had no place when the night was set purposely to put those thought aside.

Looking back at him, I grunted with a lopsided smirk and answered, "Lady Une would never let me hear the end of it if I didn't show."

Snickering, Duo nodded in agreement before looking back to the dance floor, himself. "Well, I could be your date tonight, if you'd like," he said quietly, almost nervously, almost out of character for him. Watching him with hidden confusion, I waited as he explained, "We can both keep each other company that way, since we came alone."

Fathoming that was a reasonable suggestion, I nodded, "All right." Duo spun his hear quickly at my response with wide, shocked eyes. Instantly, I felt a pain in my chest that my friend -- my best friend at that -- was so surprised that I would like his company. Frowning inwardly at that realization, a twinge of guilt began to fill me.

After all of these years, Duo was the only person that I knew I could go to if I ever needed it. While out of pride I would rarely ever ask for assistance, it was more than reassuring to know that there was someone out there that was looking out for me.

I found myself desperately trying to recall any time that I made it clear to him that I appreciated all of his support and that I valued his friendship. I worked to think of a moment when I made it clear to him that I would gladly returned the favor to him without question... And I could not find a single one.

The stunned amazement from that realization must have been clear on my face as Duo's hand waved in front of me. Blinking once, my vision refocused on his concerned face as he frowned, "Heero, are you all right?" Shaking my head to regain my composure, he grinned nervously, "I mean first you accept my offer as my being your date, then you turn pale. Maybe you should get home for more rest."

"No," came my quick answer. Before he could react, I gestured towards the glass doors leading out to the large garden behind the estate. "I just need a little air. I'd like it if you joined me, it's been a while since I saw you last." Blinking his wide violet eyes as if waking from a dream, Duo shook his head before his glowing smile returned and he nodded.

We walked from the ballroom and out to the beautiful grounds stretching out for almost over a mile. There were a few couples walking about the perimeter glowing beneath the full moon, but we were more or less alone outside as was set out with no particular destination in mind. Running a hand through his bangs as he walked beside me, I could tell that Duo was for once at a loss for words. Smirking at that, I found myself in a rare position of initiation a conversation.

Unsure of myself, I took a deep breath to keep breath before turning my head towards him and asking simply, "So how have things been since I was away?"

Looking up once again to reveal that he was taken back by my behavior, he only took a second to recover before smiling in sincere gratitude for my taking the initiative. Straightening himself, his posture took on its familiar, comfortable posture as he began excitedly, "Well, I finally figured out a great way to prank the rookies with just a few long ropes and foghorn..."

As the night wore on, Duo and I spent our time in that garden and in the surrounding woods just talking and listening to each other. All the while, I still couldn't help but feel badly for not realizing how much I had taken for granted when it came to my friend.

It suddenly hit me just how much I always looked forward to spending time with him. At the office, I waited somewhat anxiously to see Duo's face as he knocked on my door to pull me from my work to join him at the cafeteria for lunch. When returning from I mission, I would always imagine that smile on his face the next time we would meet again. Each time he was away, I would make it a point to follow up and make sure that everything was going well. To know that not only had I overlooked these things was difficult enough, but it was excruciating to know that Duo had no clue to any of it.

During our walk, I noticed that our bodies slowly gravitated closer together until our arms and shoulders brushed each other. Finding comfort and warmth in that simple contact, I made no move to shift from it. We simply continued to talk and laugh over discussions about on just about every topic there was to bring up. Finally, with no mind to what time it was, we began to make our way back to the estate.

As we stepped into the open grounds from the garden, we could hear the voices from the guests inside cheering, "Five... Four...Three... Two... One... Happy New Year!" At that, the sky above us lit up with colorful fireworks. Looking up to watch them, we could just make out the cheering from inside over the loud explosions and cracks from the display overhead. Duo and I stayed in silence for a moment as we stared up at the fireworks.

Finally, Duo looked away from them as he turned his head towards me. When my gaze met his, he smiled and said quietly, "Happy New, Year, Heero." Under the bright moonlight and fireworks, I could see his cheeks blush slightly as he grinned, "Thank you for being my date tonight."

Returning the smile, I nodded, raising a hand to cup the side of his face. I watched and felt him stiffen at the initial contact before he forced himself to relax, leaning into my hand as he kept his eyes locked with mine as I whispered, "Happy New Year, Duo."

Honestly, to this day, I still cannot say for certain which of us moved first. But slowly, we both leaned towards each other with our eyes closing. When our lips touched that first time as we held tightly to each other, the world around us faded from my mind.

The next morning, I smiled as I watched Duo sleep soundly in my arms. With his head on my chest, his hair fell around us like a second sheet. In that peaceful moment, I had never felt more... at home... like I was where I was always meant to be, than I did holding him.

Recalling the events of that night, I sighed deeply in content. With the rise and fall of my chest, my lover stirred with a small sigh of his own. When his violet eyes blinked open, he looked up at me and smiled sweetly. Yawning, Duo mumbled, "Morning."

Chuckling softly, I replied quietly, "Morning, Duo." He closed his eyes with another sigh before snuggling close to me again. Tightening my arms around him, I ran a hand through his soft hair for a short while before he propped himself up on an elbow.

Looking down on me, he frowned nervously and bit his lip before asking timidly, "Heero, Do you... You don't have any regrets do you?"

I was about to answer right away when I stopped myself and considered the question further. Talking a deep breath at last, I nodded, "Yes. I do." Duo closed his saddened eyes as he lowered his head. Sitting up, I placed a hand under his chin and lifted his head. Not waiting for him to look at me, I explained softly, "I regret that it took me this long to admit that I love you."

His eyes snapped wide open with a sharp gasp. As he watched me silently, tears filled his eyes as he smiled warmly and replied quietly, "Good answer." Hugging me tightly, he nuzzled his face in the nape of my neck as he whispered, "I love you, too." Smiling at that, I held him close and lowered us back onto my bed. As we lay in each other's arms, I placed a soft kiss on Duo's head as he purred softly, settling back into slumber. Closing my own eyes, I joined him.

Every new recruit that I train tends to express how he or she is searching for his or her own fulfillment in life. That fulfillment may come from happiness, love, a peace within themselves, or all these and more combined depending on the person hoping to find it...

Most people search for that fulfillment all their lives without finding it. I once believed that I was meant to be one of them. I had been searching for my fulfillment -- my meaning in life -- only to find that it was right in front of me all along. Once I found it, I clung to it to it with all of my strength, vowing never to let it go.

And I never did.