warnings: lime-ish, angst -- R for language and past mentions of sex
pairing: 1x2
notes: I do not own Gundam Wing. More notes are at the end of story. Sloth being the main sin with hints of envy.

Looking Out
by Box (of Hate Brains)

The silence that has always consumed this relationship once again settles between us. I can feel the seconds chip off pieces of what I had with Duo and steal away what I could have had if I just opened my mouth.

There's nothing to say.

"Okay", he spits out venomously, and I prepare myself for the verbal assault that's near, "I fucked around. Yeah, I fucked around while I was with you."

He was with someone else. He and someone else had sex. It doesn't bother me, it shouldn't, we never really had a relationship. Duo letting someone else have sex with him...

"There was a cute guy at the basketball court; fucked him on the kitchen counter", he says in a sarcastic, off-handed way, "There was a really hot girl, boobs were a D, I think; I fucked her on your bed. And then there was Steve from work. Yeah, ugly, slime-ball Steve..."

His voice fades into a low, piercing growl, "I let him fuck me on the floor, right by where you're standing. The ass-hole didn't even use a condom and didn't have the courtesy to give ol' Duo a reach-around. Don't worry, though, I got checked out. He didn't give me anything, but you wanna know something, Heero? Here's the gospel truth; after I let that dickhead fuck me, I felt good. You wanna know why? Because he fucked me and said, 'Thanks, pal.' That's all and I was happy."

I just watch him, a continual flame of wraith, and wait for him to burn out or explode. That's just how Duo is.

He looks at me, harsh and disgusted.

"Still nothing? I don't believe this", he sighs in frustration and kicks a barstool, breaking a leg and sending it to the wall.

I watch him, calmly, because that's all I can do. I'm always inside myself looking out at Duo. Watching him through the window and feeling the glass separate us. I'm okay with that. I don't need to break out. I can watch him have sex with other people. I can watch him doing anything. But I can't escape. That's how it is. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I can accept it.

I can live with it.

I'm getting the feeling Duo can't.

"Once", he grimaces, his voice strained, "Once we had something, didn't we? We had something good. It was there, right? I didn't imagine it, right?"

"It was a mistake", I answer him. It wasn't his mistake, it wasn't mine, it just was.

"Yeah", Duo hisses and the ire is refreshed in his accusing eyes, "You were a fucking mistake, Heero."

And the silence rolls into the room. I feel tired. I could probably stay up for another 24, though. I'm not exhausted. I'll need to change the sheets before I go to bed; I don't know what else Duo's done in it.

"So that's it, huh?" he continues the argument, "That's all that we were...Fuck you!"

I need him to finish this up, I have some work to do. This is the first time that we've had a fight like this. Usually it just gets quiet and he leaves...or I leave and he gets someone to fuck -- but it doesn't bother me. I just hope he cleaned up. He must have, I never found semen on anything.

"Fuck this", he mutters as he sharply turns to his room, "You're a fool, Yuy."

He slams his bedroom door after he charges through it. Good, I need to debug the database and it's going to be a bitch. I walk to the computer and turn it on, settling back into the silence. I enjoy it. I don't think about Duo having sex with other people. I'm glad he found a sexual outlet. We had only had sex twice. Once during the war, which was my first time doing it (but not Duo's), and once two months ago, after we had been living together as room-mates for six months.

I wonder how many times Duo has had sex, with other people...

It wasn't like I didn't enjoy it when we were doing it, but I felt out of place. Looking outside at Duo having sex with me. I wasn't participating, I was just watching. It felt good, but it wasn't anything important. Especially to Duo, since he was having so much sex with other people, it probably wasn't that good for him. I know that some level of knowledge is needed for pleasure and I just know how to stick it in and hump until I cum.

I hear all sorts of slamming and throwing coming from his room and I wonder what he's destroying. I don't really understand why he's so angry. He said two months prior, just after we had sex for the second time, 'Let's hang out more, you and me.' Then that turned into, 'Let's go to the movies' or 'You wanna go for a walk?', so I did. I did that because I wanted to be a friend, his friend. There's always been an iota of envy ever since we met. Duo's funny, Duo's friendly, Duo's really smart -- I overhear people say this all the time. I liked being associate with that after the war, when I felt incomplete. I wasn't supposed to live, I was to be sacrificed. I wasn't supposed to wander, I was meant to marry Relena and live happily ever after. The latter is what Duo told me once when he was drunk. But it wasn't 'happily' and it certainly wasn't 'ever after', every day dragged on. So, when Duo asked for me to move in, I did. As callous as it sounds, I had nothing better to do and I wanted to steal some of his fire for life. I wanted his 'happily ever after'. I wanted something.

And then he kissed me and we had sex. Just like that. I wasn't thinking, neither was he. We were standing by each other, we were kissing, and suddenly, it was over. We were spent. After that, we 'hung out more', but he never initiated it again. He must have been too tired after the basketball guy and Steve.

I'm not going to lie, it hurts. I want to be the one with him on the kitchen counter, my bed, and the floor. But I don't know how and I'm not sure I can try. I don't want to change anything. I like how everything was. I liked watching movies with Duo, and wondering if I'd ever see him naked again.

I have this huge feeling that there's something just out of sight that's going to hit me or miss me entirely...

I don't want it to hit. I don't want it to change. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to more broken than I already am. I don't want to get involved...

So, I'll let it pass me. I'll let what he wants to be soar around right by me. This is better, this is easier. I'm not sure how to handle us being more than we are. My lungs tense up thinking about that unknown, so I block it up. I don't think I can be what Duo wants me to be.

His door opens and I turn around. Something about the way he carries the backpack stabs my chest. I can feel the arteries being cut as he slings the stuffed backpack over his shoulder. He's leaving.

"If you've got something to say", his voice is unwavering and confidant, "now's the time, I'm going. Anything that's behind, pitch. I don't need anything else."

His body language is saying the same thing his words are. He's really leaving. No pulled punches. This is the final time to say something to him, to bring him back. If I open my mouth and say anything endearing, he'd drop it. He'd throw his things back in his room and call it a day. I want to, I really do...

"Okay, then", he whispers after a full minute, "I could live without you ever saying that you love me or any bullshit like that. Hell, I could deal with you needing your own space and never publicly touching you or anything...But...I can't take your silence any more. You don't talk to me like you used to talk. You don't even put forth the effort and I gotta ask myself, 'Why? Why is he not taking things to the next level?' And I've realized it's because you don't want it. Maybe I pushed you into it, maybe you're just happy with the way things are, but you never tell me and I can't keep guessing. If you wanted me, you'd have said so..."

It's one more desperate plea, but I keep my jaw clenched.

"So, bye", Duo quietly says and slips out the door. Just like that, gone. So easily cut from the room and my life.

Stillness. Coldness. Me.

I wait a few moments before I go to the window and wait. He finally walks out from the building and starts walking north. He never looks back. As his image become gradually smaller, I put my hand to the glass, but I don't break it.

My life is fine the way it is...

notes: Sloth is tricky, so I went with the version Wikipedia mentioned ("current interpretations are much less stringent and comprehensive than they were in medieval times, and portray Sloth as being more simply a sin of laziness, of an unwillingness to act, an unwillingness to care). I hope you enjoyed, I didn't have much time to put it together.