Huh? It's safe. The boy went to sleep faster than you can spitscrew an AMBAC install.

Hell, yeah. So what if I've picked up some of his Sweeper buddy slang. You try living with the mouth on this boy out here, and something's bound to rub off. Want me to demonstrate? You vacuum breathing spacepuke of a gundam armpit-fucking ass --

Heh. I didn't think so.

Know what I miss the most? Being able to smoke cigars. I'd give almost anything for one of those handrolled L2 stogies, with all the ice trimmings. Oh, yeah...the meth cocktail in those cigars sure packed a kick.

You pious prickhead, don't get all holier than thou on me. Kill or be killed. Deal it or buy it. Drug dealers have got to eat too.

Me, a soft touch? Who have you been talking to? Names. Places. Dates. I want 'em now. I gotta go beat the pulp out of them!

Yeah, whatever. It's a good thing I'm here then, aren't I? A half-assed afterlife is better than none.

Well, I was just about to tell you that. You said it was only curiosity on the boy's part. Wrong, wrong, wrongo, my friend. It's a full blown crush, I tell you. And it's going to get us stomped fast. One false misstep and whammo! There won't be enough of us to even use for Minovsky particles! Everytime I see him coming, I want us to jump back into Deathscythe, it's the safest place from that psycho.

That damned robot, that killing machine Yuy that's who! Who the Zeon did you think I was talking about?!

This crush is suicidal! The boy's going to get us all killed! Greasy gundambusters! I don't want to die because his hormones are going ring-a-ling with his stick shaft!

So laser me for being selfish. Have you ever thought about why I don't get caught by hands or inconveniently wedged in doors?

Fuck you. At least I never got him caught by OZ! Remember that mission where he got piked in that bunghole of a town in the Turkish mountains, and he was crawling over rocks doing recon? Well, that was you! Yeah, OZ uses infrared but not that far from the base. Your stupid metallic glinting caught a guard's eye on a monitor. At least I DO my job. Nobody's caught him using me, yet, and they never will. I always move out of the way, at the last minute. He's even used me to choke a few Ozzies. The boy's got spunk. He takes care of me, I take care of him. What the frickin'frackin' hell do you do? You just sit there and remind him of the Maxwell Church massacre every time he sees you!

Whatever.

Fine, stop begging. I forgive you. This time. But if you get us all blown to kingdom come, I'll come back and haunt you myself. Got it? Good.

Don't tell me. Let me guess. He's never taken you out in front of Yuy.

Humph.

It's because you're...special. He doesn't let just anyone touch you.

Yeah, or me.

I know. It's serious. It's only a matter of time before Yuy sees you too.

Description? Just for you. Let's see, brown hair, cold blue eyes, Asian features, lean wiry build. He doesn't look it, but he could probably benchpress that fat dickhead on L2, remember him, Wormass along with half the colony population. I heard through the grapevine that he can bend steel. I swear he's got some designer biochem soup in him, like quick-eeZe gel on permanent open tap or something. Like he tugs an earlobe or pushes his bellybutton and it flows out and thirty seconds later, presto! He's healed! Look Ma, no pain! That kid Yuy should come with fuckin' warnings on his forehead. Perfect Soldier. Suicidal. Do not anger. Touching may be hazardous to health.

Damn, you're just going to keep picking away at me all night aren't you?

Fine, fine, I admit it. Yuy. Has. Pretty. Blue. Eyes.

Alright, already! And cute buns! But he's a real tightass, in more ways than one. That one ain't no VR joystick jockey, he knows his Gundam inside out. Satisfied? You've probably already heard the boy mooning over Heero a million times anyway.

I know that hum. You can't sing, so you hum hymns when you're thinking. And now you're thinking so loud the vibes are shaking the hairtie loose.

Oh, shit.

No!

N. O. What part of that did you not understand? The N or the O?

NO!

I refuse to listen to this half-assed suicidal insanity!

NeenerNeenerNeenerNeenerNeenerNeener

LALALALALALALA

FUUUUUUCK.

Damn you to hell.

Yeah, I know you got your prissy golden foot wedged in at St. Peter's gates. Damn you anyway.

Stop laughing or you'll regret it. Just spit out the plan, you devious angelfaced fiend.

...that's it? That's your glorious plan, Cupid? We're gonna die. And it's gonna be a fucking slaughterhouse. I want Shinigami. I want out of this deal, this job was shit in the first place why do I have to look after the boy-Oh Shinigami! Shiiiiiiiinnnnneeeeee--

Yes, you've got my complete and utter attention now.

Why? Why, it asks. Think about it, genius. If things go wrong, you won't have to suffer. I will. I'm the one hanging out here where Mr. Omae-O-Korosu can grab me, and then punch the boy out faster than the L2 colony lights go out at 6pm curfew. And you? You'll still be in one piece, if Yuy doesn't use a disintegrator beam during our execution.

Humph.

I still say we get him the hell away from Yuy. That kid of J's is baaaad news all over. You haven't seen the way he glares at the boy for every little thing. You haven't watched the boy tear up when the kid gives him the brushoff, nooooo you've been safe and protected from the outside world inside that outfit. You've --Wait, I hear something. That high pitched whine...it's the Gundams! The others are back. This isn't over, I'll deal with you later.

Crapola! Yuy's here already...how did he sneak up on us? Hey, what the fuck is he doing! He's...he's...too close!!

Ohgodohgodohgod...waking up the boy? That mouth of his is liable to get us killed even faster! I'm not going to make it! We're not going to make it! Somebody please please save me! I haven't had the chance to fulfill my contract to Shinigami! We're gonna die!!

Jumping Jehovah on a pogo stick. Thank holy Gundams for Quatre and his empathic little heart. He must have felt me.

Shhh, we can argue about who called the Q cavalry later, blondie will sense us.

Hey! What the --

Come back, Cutie-Q!

That was strange. Quatre just poked his head in and...left. Do you think he actually heard anything? He did have this Mona Lisa smile. Hmm...another thing to take up with Shinigami. Oy, heads up, the boy's starting to move around...

Well!

Well.

Well, I never.

Shut up. Martha Stewart I ain't.

I, I, I just didn't think he was attracted to my boy at all.

Shut up, of course he's my boy, I'm literally attached to him, aren't I?

Oh, that's right. He shifted, so now you can't see. Well he's stroking my-oh so sorry, our boy's cheek with the back of his hand. Gently.

Oho, our boy's waking up. Now, this I gotta see. I betcha nightwatch duty that Yuy will jerk back his hand as if he was burned...

So I called it wrong. Humph.

Yeah, never thought I'd say it, but the view is...cute. He just kissed that killer Yuy on the cheek.

Muahahaha, lookit them both blush!

So much for the boy trying to keep his mouth shut about his feelings. And if you tell me confession is good for the soul, I'll ream you a new one.

Yeah, yeah. Figuratively speaking.

Now they're back to handholding.

Yadda yadda yadda.

Keep an ear on the conversation, 'k? I want to check something.

I knew something was missing! Now where did that hairtie go? It's one of those girly ponytail holders, scrunchies they're called. It's always scampering off and hiding in the most unlikely corners. The boy picks them too mischievous. I can't believe he swiped that last batch from the girls' locker room! That last one was just too uppity and such a putrid Pepto-Bismol pink! The kind that Relena wears! I should get him to wear the plain leather ones more often, although those ones are only slightly less giggly. It's something contaminating in the manufacturing I think. Marketing propaganda and close proximity with bubble headed blondes...eh?

What? In Yuy's fist, you say? He tucked the hairtie in his spandex?!? When I get ahold of that brat of a hairtie...

Incoming!

Whoa. That kiss is hardcore Yuy. No preliminaries, to the point. Apparently foreplay wasn't covered in the Gundam pilot's manual.

Oooooooh. I spoke too soon. I'd never thought I'd see the day when Yuy's hand was on my boy's butt. Mark this down on the calendar, folks. Hello Mr. Perfect Hand! Never touched anything so enticingly firm have you? Well I'll just let you go about your business and maybe you'll meet Rosy Pucker very soon. Hehehe. Uh, oh I see another one of those killer hands coming my way. I think I'll put your little plan into action now.

Ha.

I am swaying, you nitwit.

Give me a minute here, I'm concentrating! This room doesn't exactly have a breeze I can work with, you know! The Hair is swaying, no, wait, it's clumping into rat-tails. Of all the days not to wash the hair... Shit! OK, OK don't hyperventilate, I'm not panicking. I got it smoothed out. Just hair follicle number 3,402,219 trying to start a little mutiny with the Semtex and lockpicks that were stuck in here. Not while I'm on the job, you neeners, or you'll be demoted to pubic hair maintenance for the rest of Shini's mortal life!

I knew that salon conditioner was good for something. Remind me to get that rebel follicle irradiated somehow.

Alright, help me run a systems check. No clumping, check. Golden highlights, check. Light refracting ripples, good to go. Anything I'm missing? Are they still sucking face? Good.

Wait for it...wait for it...

3...

2...

1...

Yes! We have contact!

Damn, that feels good. He's unraveled most of the strands and he's...sniffing. Now he's using his physiological knowledge of the body to seek out erotic pleasure zones instead of deadly pressure points. I should know...I once met this guy who used to teach Ninjitsu on L2 -- hey, can you feel the vibes from down there?

He's close enough to you, can't you see Yuy sucking on the boy's jugular?

Oh yeah, I forgot. You poor deprived thing, you're stuck inside my boy's shirt.

Fine. Our boy.

And the clothes come-a-flyin' off... Oh, my, ahem, our boy won't be happy about that rip. That's his favourite priest collar.

Well, goodness gracious me, hello to you too. What's it like seeing Yuy for the first time in broad daylight?

Ask a stupid question...

There go the last of the pants. Nekkid... Hot damn, look at that, Yuy doesn't wear underwear! Shoulda known from the way he was tenting the spandex. Hey, I wonder where the hairtie went...

Heh. Where's your sense of the absurd, partner? Just imagine Quatre's interior decorator describing it. "The scrunchie around his cock adds a brilliant splash of contrasting colour and is a delightful bit of whimsy that draws the eye to the striking, angry-red erect --"

C'mon, one would think you'd never seen a penis before!

You're a virgin? Tch. I shoulda guessed, with your church origins and all.

I can hear the damn scrunchie chortling from here. Hentai little bitch.

Ooh now they've upped the stakes. Yuy is a quick learner, I'll give him that. He's handicapped by his lack of experience but that doesn't stop him from exploring every body part and intensifying the moans and groans. And you thought the boy was loud before! Look at him tease my boy with his own hair! He's got sections 1-527 wrapped around my boy's cock and a thin strand, sections 528-936 tickling the nipples.

Not bad, nice grip. The boy can be real slippery when he wants to be. Somebody took the trouble to teach Yuy how to hold someone without breaking their arm.

You know, I'm starting to like this guy...he's actually being careful with the merchandise, you know how I always hated it when the johns did the hair pull thing...look at how he uses a combination of firm pressure and yet teasing licks to keep the boy right where he wants. Has that psychopathic Wing pilot been practicing? I never thought he'd be so damned...tender.

Somebody is impatient and isn't in the mood for gentle....Haha, get him, boy! Turn the tables on him! Yeah, yeah, that's right, sit on him and wiggle it! More tongue! A little to the left, a little to the right, more, more...right there! Yessss! Make him beg! Payback time for all those times he's pulled on us!

Of course this is better than the Superbowl! Now they're rolling, they'd better watch out for the edge or they're gonna --

Fall. Ouch.

How the hell do you know about lube, anyway? I thought you were a virgin.

No worries, Yuy always does his homework. He came prepared. Remember that Vaseline he bought last week? Guess what's on his fingers right now.

Hehehe. No, I wouldn't say that the boy was in pain. Not at all. In fact, I think we'd better get used to that sound...from what they said, it sounds like this is going to blossom into something permanent.

Well, will you look at 'em go. Rabid humpin' fuckin' bunnies. You know, you have to admire Yuy's focus. Nothing's going to make him pause from banging the daylights out of my boy, not even a 5 foot drop from the top of a bunk bed. Our boy isn't fazed either, but then, we already knew he was insatiable when it concerns Yuy. Bai-bai, bathroom masturbation breaks!

I'll give him an 8.3 for technique, but 9.7 for enthusiasm. But hey, his overall score still blows away the previous competition. See, he's got one possessive hand splayed on a hip, the other one wrapped around my boy's ankle on his shoulder, while his hips are pistoning in and out in this relentless rhythm, it's actually kinda hypnotic.

In and out. In and out. In and ou-- I could set my watch by them, if I had one.

Screaming Gundam pilots! Oh yeah, baby!!

Killjoy.

Well excuuuuuse me for attempting to enlighten your ignorance with my edifying blow by blow commentary.

After all, when the hair's undone, a spirit of the braid's gotta have something to do.

Fine, I'll shut up and watch by myself then. I don't know why I bothered, you dumb virgin cross.