I have been known to fade from view

sometimes my eyes will droop

I have walked through... dreams...

Dreams...dreams that somewhat felt like shadowed halls...

...Where nothing waits but time,
Which does not end in solid lines.
This is the end, it is the all:
I have walked in shadowed halls...

...I have been known to fall
From the heights of the Great Hall;
I have been known to wake
Before the dream was done.
It is done. It is the end, it is the end.
The damage done in dreams will never mend.

i'm dead --

I come suddenly into awareness and whatever I dreamed of instantly fades. I'll remember parts of it later. Thank God, it's pitch black and I don't have to focus my eyes on anything -- why do I feel like crying? I feel so miserable, like curling up into a hedgehog ball and waiting for death. If only he would (as long as it looked like him, I don't think I'd mind)...I clench my eyes shut. I don't really want to die. I want to be unconcious for a while and wake up feeling much better. Wide awake now, though. Fuck, what was I dreaming about, anyway?

Musing...

Quoth he: I feel wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Just ask. I'll do anything for you.

He smiles. The sun's shining and the sky's blue; we can see it from inside. He's just come from the shower and that always makes him cheerful. I don't understand it at all, but no matter how snarly or sleepy he is when he rolls out of bed, he comes out of the water like John himself baptized him in a river: full of grace, at least until he tries to brush his hair. He laughs at nothing, just some joke he remembers, flitting through his mind. He leans over me on the bed and it feels so right, so natural. This is nice.

Nice.

I'm not used to things being nice, yet. Someday, I will be. Someday, I'll think this is normal and I'll be surprised when I'm reminded of the antithesis of nice that was my youth. We're making a lot of good memories, now.

He...he is distracting...

Shakes his wet hair out. Goddamn stupid fucking mass of useless keratin dead cells don't know why I don't just cut the stuff off anyway.

I seize a handful and pull him closer to me. You never would. You know you never would.

He grins. Maybe. I'm known for being unpredictable.

Mmm. Fuck me and I'll brush it for you. Braid it, too.

I just took a shower.

So take another.

Only if you take it with me.

Mission accepted.

He rolls onto his back. Lazily: Could you cast the I Ching with pennies?

I don't know why you'd want to, I say.

Just to see if you can. Just to see what fortune holds.

Well, I'm not stopping you.

Do it for me?

No.

Please?

How can I resist? I scramble around for the coins on the floor. Well, when he looks at me with those eyes, I'd bring him the world if he asked for it. When you love someone that much, you'd find it hard to say no, too. It's foolishness, but I'm in love.

He's not here. Where is he? ...A mission, a job somewhere. He told me. He'll be back soon enough. I know it's not like being a lover means you never leave their side. I'd be sick of it anyway, if I was with him literally every moment of my life. I wish he was here. I had a nightmare. I dreamed I died. Do I want to die? Does my subconcious know something I don't?

He'd tell me not to be ridiculous. Do you want to die? He'd ask me. And I'd say: Of course not. Well there you go, you don't want to die. It was a nightmare, that's all. Everyone's afraid of dying, whether they admit it or not. Even you, babe.

...I have been known to dream...

He slips in beside me. He thinks I'm asleep; I breathe shallowly, carefully, mimicking the right patterns. He must be exhausted himself, or he'd notice I'm faking it, but he's being so careful that he must think I'm asleep. I wait until his breathing tells me he's asleep, then curl up to him. I turn over to see his open eyes.

You think you can fool me, babe? I know you better than that.

Missed you.

Missed you more.

Strokes my back. We're too tired to do anything, but it feels nice. I have nightmares even when he's around, but then I wake up and the thing I love most in the world is right next to me. I get distracted. Feels good. It feels nice.