One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. And back to the beginning. I couldn't stop fucking with the radio presets, my fingers fidgeting when my body couldn't. If I wasn't stuck in my car I would've been pacing around my apartment, trying to tell my brain to stop thinking and just let it all go. Four. Two. Six. Mix it up a little. God, if Heero were here this would drive him nuts and he would've taken away radio control a long time ago. Heero. Not going there. Three. Five. You'd think there'd be a single song on the radio worth listening to, a single song that wouldn't remind some part of my brain why it was I was going home to my apartment, alone, instead of to the bar to meet Heero.

Fuckin' Heero. Not that it was his fault, but I had to blame somebody and I wasn't ready for it to be me. Yet. Later, when I'd wallowed in self-pity on my couch for the weekend, then I'd be ready to blame myself. The car in front of me moved a few feet and I followed suit, my left knee reminding me how much it sucked to drive a stick when stuck in traffic. If only my left knee could remind me to stop obsessing.

"Five ball in the corner pocket."

Heero motioned toward the pocket with the end of his cue and leaned over the table. I'd tried to not notice the way his jeans hugged his ass when he did that, maybe I could've two beers ago, but right then it had been damn near impossible. He sunk the shot with ease, straightening up to examine the table with a serious eye. Now that I'd reached the 'ogle Heero' point in my drinking the chances of winning were pretty much slim to none, I needed to focus all my energy at not getting caught. If Heero kept moving like he'd been I didn't mind losing.

Heero turned and looked at me over his shoulder, smiling at me in that crooked way of his when he was feeling good, making me grin in return. I was barely aware of the eight ball being sunk I was so absorbed in the curve of his lips. "The tab's on you, Duo, and I'm feeling thirsty."

It'd been a long week for both of us, between work, commutes, and tedium, the tab had been pretty impressive by the time the bartender had announced last call. Heero had called an end to pool an hour later when I'd chalked his nose and started singing 'Heero the Blue Nosed Reindeer'. I'd like to think that he found my idiocies endearing, but it was probably closer to not wanting to kill me in front of witnesses. Instead of pool we'd been sitting at the bar just talking and munching on nibbles when my heart started to do that funny thing in my chest that it does when I look at Heero too long. I was probably two beers past the point of no return although a huge part of my brain was pleading with me to just fucking STOP! Stop longing, stop pining, and stop being fucking stupid.

I settled the tab and we walked outside. Two-thirty on Saturday morning, the prior week successfully put behind us, and I should've just ran home. I knew better, I really did, but something in me went wrong.

"Can you make it home okay?" Heero asked, his expression serious as he looked me over.

I should've said 'yes', I tried to say 'yes', but it came out as "Walk me home?"

Now for the record I hadn't seriously hit on Heero in over three years. The last time was just after the wars and I have to admit that he'd been very tactful in refusing my advances. Things had been a little touchy for a bit afterwards, but seeing we were trying to piece our lives together back then things would've been touchy anyway. No matter, it hadn't taken long before we resumed our close friendship that had grown steadily through the wars. We saw each other at least twice a week, played basketball, went to the movies, hung out with the rest of the guys, and met at the bar near my apartment every Friday to drink beer and play pool. I played a good 'best friend'.

But there had been something about that night. Maybe it was the way Heero smiled at me, or the fact that my picture was under both 'pathetic' and 'lonely' in the dictionary, or maybe it was nothing more than me forgetting myself and the reality I existed in.

"Walk me home?" had come out of my mouth. Fucking stupid.

If Heero had thought the request odd he didn't let on. Instead he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans and headed down the block in the direction of my building. We didn't talk as we walked, side by side, our arms occasionally brushing making me shiver. When we got there he didn't say anything, just led the way up the stairs to my door. I should've just gone in -- said 'thanks' and gone inside. That had not been one of my brightest moments.

"Is this where you kiss me good-night?" I kept my tone joking, but the way he searched my face I knew he could see what I was hiding beneath it all. He didn't get angry, but I could see the line forming between his eyebrows, the one he gets when he's none too pleased. I know that I laughed then, a humorless little snort, and went to turn towards the door to unlock it. Heero's hand on my arm caught me by surprise, but nothing surprised me more than the pressure of his lips on mine. Before I could even think of what had happened he'd turned and was walking down the hall.

"Sometimes you should just shut up instead of letting the booze talk for you," Heero had muttered, more to himself than to me, but I'd heard him nonetheless.

We hadn't spoken since. A week felt like an eternity. I was miserable without him.

I'd been so wrapped up in my pity party that I wasn't even aware of not only the traffic letting up, but also the fact that I'd been driving. It was like I suddenly came to and I was at my exit, the autopilot inside of me turning onto the ramp. I didn't want to go home, but it was the safest place for me in my current state of mind. This was the first Friday since we'd started the beer and pool ritual that we weren't meeting and the reason behind it made me feel ill.

I stopped at the bodega on the way home, picked up a six-pack and a couple of magazines, and resigned myself to my fate. Maybe I'd call Heero when I got in, apologize... God, I'd fucked up. I drove around for fifteen minutes looking for a spot, karma laughing at me. The closest parking spot I could find was two blocks away and as soon as I locked my car it started to rain. By the time I made it to my building I looked like a drowned rat and my mood was equally fitting. Maybe calling Heero tonight wasn't such a good idea. I wished I'd picked up some whiskey.

"It's raining?"

For a second I thought I was experiencing auditory hallucinations. It took me a moment to make out the dark silhouette of Heero sitting on the floor in front of my door and another moment to realize it had been him who'd spoke.

"Yeah, it just started." He made no move to get up, just sat there with his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, and looked up at me. I shifted the wet paper bag in my hands, holding it on the bottom to keep it from spilling my six-pack onto the floor. I was at a loss for what to say. "Been here long?"

Heero shrugged. "Are you going to invite me in?"

I nodded, offering him a hand up. For a moment I didn't think he was going to accept it, but then the warmth of his hand filled mine and I tugged him upwards. I tried to take my hand back so I could unlock the door, but he didn't seem ready to give it. I looked down at our hands, then up to his face. "I --"

"Stop." The crease between his brows was back, but he seemed more concerned than displeased. "I wanted to apologize."

"Heero, you don't have to --"

He sighed in exasperation. "Duo, shut up and let me talk." He moved towards me until I was against my door, still hanging onto my hand. "I wasn't being very fair to you last week. I got angry, but after a week without you I realized I was angrier with myself than with you. I swear, Duo, your timing sucks."

"You're not angry with me, but my timing sucks?" I was confused, but willing to deal with it if he just kept holding my hand.

"Why? You wait years to suggest anything beyond friendship again. You wait until you're so drunk you can barely stand without falling on your face. Why?"

"I'm sorry, Heero. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable --"

"Just answer my question," Heero snapped, tightening his grip on my hand. "Why did you wait so long?"

I don't know where the anger came from, but it budded and blossomed within a heartbeat. "I don't know what you want from me!" I dropped the bag I was holding onto the floor, a small part of me amazed that none of the bottles broke open, and pushed against him with my free hand. "Are you asking me why I brought it up again after all these years? Why I couldn't have just kept longing for you secretly and kept my mouth shut?"

Suddenly he looked wounded, like I'd just kicked his puppy. "No..."

I pulled my hand out of his grip and shoved him hard with both hands, making him take a step back. It was like pushing against a brick wall. "I'm sorry that in a moment of weakness I let myself forget that you didn't want something like that with me. I'm sorry that I forced you to see how pathetic I am!" I got in his face and glared. "Are you fucking happy?"

Slam! My back against the door, Heero's face in mine, and his voice soft and seething. "I never said I didn't want something like that with you, Duo, I said I wasn't ready. I didn't know if I was coming or going back then, how could I even think about a relationship?" He took a deep breath, and I could feel the tension coiled in his body he was so close. "Then you moved on, started dating... you're my best friend and I thought I'd blown my chance."

"You fucking walked away!" I pressed my hands against his chest, trying to ignore the warmth of the hard muscle under my palms and tried to push. Instead of backing away, he inched closer. I could feel his breath across my lips.

"We were both drunk. Every now and then I'd think I could see something more when you looked at me, just a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, but then it would be gone. Then I was lucky enough to catch it, but before I could let it register it was gone. I was too drunk to think and I wasn't going to blow it again by rushing into things with clouded judgment."

Heero's eyes had never seemed so intense. I tried to process what he'd just said, but it was hard to think beyond the heat radiating off of him. "We're not drunk now," I said lamely, trying to wrap my mind around what was happening.

"No, we're not." Heero's lips quirked into that crooked smile I loved so much, I could feel it as he closed the distance between us and kissed me. I felt his smile fade as the tip of his tongue traced over my lower lip, but I was clueless to anything after that -- damn could he kiss. When he pulled away he rested his forehead against mine and I could feel his breathing was as ragged as mine. "I missed you this week."

"I missed you too." I eased him away from me and he let me move him. There was a flush to his cheeks and a sparkle in his eye and I couldn't help thinking 'I did that to him. Me.' "Do you want to go and play some pool?"

Heero shook his head. "I'm thinking that our Friday nights could use a change of venue. Are you going to invite me in?"

"Are you going to kiss me like that again?"

Heero laughed and every minute I'd spent obsessing about my screw up last Friday disappeared. "Yeah, we have some catching up to do."